Monday, May 09, 2005 Suscribe to this blog


divergence sanny @ 2:07 PM


Isn't if funny, how, as time goes by, people detach themselves from one another? And as a divergent path emerges for one, somewhere else the path converges into another's?

I've always regarded my views on divergence as an anomaly. On one hand, I relish it because it represents a chance to start afresh, a new door opening to a different horizon, promise, hope, be it good or bad. I embrace divergence but most of the time with trepidation because much as I welcome it I loathe it at the same time. I love to be able to keep my paths open but simultaneously I fiercely guard what I hold dear (or so it seems) and I'm always in fear of these things slipping away from me.

Case in point: when I think back to my childhood years, I can't help but smile at the innocence of children, where there were no secrets between siblings, where we harbour no genuine sadness. Everyday we get to talk about imaginary tales and see them replay before our very minds in cetari, and all of us belong in one big 'circle of trust'. Nothing's too serious to trouble us, nothing's too tempting for us to diverge onto different ways.

Now that we're older, we all hold our own secrets. I am jealous of others having secrets (kind of like Goku in Saiyuki). I mean, not to say I don't have secrets at all but mine are those that, if not known to the whole wide world, wouldn't upset anyone, least of all my parents. An example:

a) Harmless Secret
I have a crush on X. Won't kill you if you don't know who. (almost) Everyone have crushes, it's normal.

OR

I attended a party secretly. Nobody outside your normal radius of activities would bother about this party's details.

b) Damning Secret
I have a boyfriend, X. Now, if I had one I'd tell my parents, even if I don't announce it to everyone I know.

OR

I secretly attended Paris Hilton (or equivalent)'s party. Ceteris Paribus, I'd be obliged to spill gossip to my family and friends.

See the difference between the secrets?

All I have are type (a) secrets while, I recently discovered, some have the latter type secret and who knows what other types.

What's the connection with divergence? Where we used not to, now there exist invisible barriers between people you think you know better, because they've simply diverged to another path and they hold secrets you don't think they do. Because the extent of this divergence can sometimes hurt. My parents were hurt, and as a result, I was somewhat affected too. I hate this divergence, especially when this involves, like, turning your backs on the hands that feed you. I'm not the one who's hurt most but seeing my loved ones so hurt pulls me down too (although how I feel doesn't really matter here). Kins when first start, almost aliens after you diverted your attention somewhere just that little while; you turn back to realise they've marched on to a divergent path.

I don't know my black from my white anymore. Don't know what I'm talking about? Blur? Don't worry, I'm a batchu-ta-stamp person so I always talk in abstract terms.